Opinions Brooklyn Boro

A tongue in cheek commentary on private parts

April 1, 2022 William A. Gralnick
Head shot of writer William Gralnick
William Gralnick. Photo courtesy of William Gralnick
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My first traffic ticket was received in Brooklyn. My first and only appearance in night court was too. It was very much like the TV show by the same name. Here’s a ditty about someone else getting a ticket and trying to get out of it. It has some “do this” and “don’t do that” pointers for the first or next time you have to roll down the windows watching the flashing lights in your rearview mirror.

An interesting headline in a local paper grabbed my attention. It was about grabbing something besides attention. It was about a woman grabbing the privates of a police officer who was trying to give her a traffic ticket.

First, know that traffic stops are some of the most anxiety-producing and dangerous acts a police officer engages in, especially if the driver was well above the speed limit or worse, trying to avoid the cop by fleeing. The officer is approaching someone who is likely very nervous. Adrenaline is pumping. Though approaching from behind, which gives the officer a margin of safety, the officer cannot see into the car until he gets to the driver’s window. Therefore, if the person has a weapon in his/her lap, or in the door pocket, or the passenger’s seat, the cop can’t see it until he/she is on top of it. Likely the officer will collect the license and registration and return to the patrol car to “run them.” That means a call goes into the system to find out if there are outstanding tickets, warrants, or the like. If something suspicious comes up, backup likely will be called. If not, the cop re-approaches the car, not having had the ability to keep an eye on what’s going on in the car. Recently as an officer took that walk back to a seemingly harmless situation, the driver jumped out of the car with a long gun, firing and hitting the officer. The officer survived and was able to call it in. 

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Numerous numbers of officers in Florida and around the country have been hit by cars. They didn’t move over a lane, as this state and many others require, and ran into the cop, sometimes ending in death or lifetime injury. That is why for courtesy’s sake if you are pulled over, you should park as well away from the flow of traffic, put your hands on the wheel in the 10-2 position, roll down your window before the officer gets to you, and then tell the officer where the documents are located in the car before you reach for them. Always move slowly. Do not ever offer to “settle” the ticket “here and now” instead of in court. And DO, if you have a carry permit and a weapon with you, DO tell the officer and produce the permit.

On the sunnier side of these stops is what people say and do. It is unbelievable what excuses people have to offer. Was I really going that fast? Or pointing out the PBA donation star they got for donating to a police organization with the expectation that it was a “get out of jail free” card. 

Here’re a few more. “I’m almost home.” The “Oh woe is me” stories. “I’ve had a terrible day, and this is just the icing on the cake.” Then comes the blurting out of the contents of that terrible day. Or this one. “My cousin, three times removed, is a retired cop in (pick a place)” 

Know this too—save your breath. Take your medicine and be on with your day. If you really feel you have a mitigating story, as they say, tell it to the judge, or hire an attorney. The easier you make it for the officer to get the job done, the easier it will be for both of you.

That’s “the what people say” part. Now we come to what people do. Here’s a third “know this.” What happened is not at all unusual. First of all, male or female, DO NOT TOUCH A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. Generally, only bad things will happen as a result. I only know of women touching male cops, but I’d bet some handsome, tipsy dude has tried the same thing on a female cop.

The incident I’m most familiar with is from a “sit-in” I did as one of our deputies was reviewing the tape of a stop he made. We watched the body cam footage. The stop seemed fairly routine. However, once the window came down and the woman started to talk, he could tell she was “pie-eyed.” Ok. Now comes the “walk the white line” test or the breathalyzer. She is told to get out of the car. In her mid-forties, I’d say, she was remarkably fit, shall we say. And statuesque. She was a Latina without a great command of English. She stumbled, or so it looked, getting out of the car (as opposed to doing it on purpose), and threw her arms around the cop, who now in an instant had to decide how to resolve the situation. 

With her arms around him, his access to his taser and his gun was very restricted. He managed to get her off and stand her up. Once steadied, right in front of him, she reached out, took his crotch in her hands, began what I think we can call a massage while trying to get him to let her drive away. He backed away from that and she tipped backward against her car. Again steadied, she slowly began to unbutton her blouse. Tight as it was, the buttons readily popped up. Having had her way with the buttons, she spread her arms out offering quite a display of pulchritude. How this didn’t cause a pile-up on ’95 from onlookers is amazing. We’ll skip the offer that went with the scenery. Quick as a bunny, the cop pulled a blanket out of the car, put it ‘round her, and wrestled her back into the car.

He called his supervisor and the EMT’s and probably didn’t respond when he got home to his wife’s question, “What happened today on the job, honey?”

South Florida is unique in many ways. Sexy, drunk women trying to seduce themselves out of a ticket is not one of them.


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