HUMOR: Fresh ideas to save the MTA from financial disaster

From the Dept. Of Modest Proposals

February 17, 2023 John Ficarra

Eric Adams. AP Photo/Mary Altaffer. Kathy Hochul. Craig Ruttle/Pool via AP, File

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The brilliant headline in a recent Streetsblog post sums it up:

“Adams To Albany: Someone Fund the MTA; Albany To Adams: Someone Fund the MTA.”

We know the MTA needs money. We know public transit must be safe, clean, efficient and frequent enough to keep this city working. Therefore, we have some ideas about how the MTA could raise its own money.

Impose Airline-Like Pricing

In recent years airlines have been extremely successful in wringing every last nickel out of travelers by tacking on fees for amenities and services previously free, such as charging for carry-on luggage and extra legroom. There’s no reason why the MTA can’t do the same.

Wearing an oversized backpack on the subway that whacks a fellow commuter every time you turn around? That will be $3 extra, please.
Toting giant plastic bags filled with smelly cans and bottles to be recycled? $5.
Only comfortable when taking up two seats manspreading? That will be $9, more during rush hour.

Real-Time Platform Betting

Sports betting has opened up a lucrative revenue stream for state governments. It’s time for the M.T.A. to get in on the action with their own official betting app.

Think the A train will arrive at Dyckman Street on time? Current odds are 4-1. Bet now.
The Number 6 train is in a tunnel and hasn’t moved in 12 minutes. Bet the reason why:

Stalled Train Ahead: 5-1;

Sick Passenger: 3-1;

Police Action: 2-1;

They’ll Never, in a Million Years: Tell You Why: Even Money.

Any time a commuter is feeling lucky or bored, they can just click open the MTA app and begin betting.

How long before the most frequently asked question in the subway system will be, “What’s the over/under on rat sightings today?”

Conductor-Read Commercials

What smart media buyer wouldn’t want to advertise to the captive audience of a New York City subway train? And who better to read their ads than the subway system’s legendarily clear and articulate train conductors?

“Next stop on this Number 1 train is Times Square, 42nd Street, the heart of Broadway, where you can see the Tony award-winning, Disney musical The (inaudible) at the (inaudible) Theatre. Now in its 25th season. Good seats are now available for The (inaudible). Please watch your step getting on and off the train.
“Coming up, 59th Street, Lincoln Center, where tomorrow night’s performance of…Hey, you in the back! Stop holding open the door!… tomorrow night’s performance of Madam Butterfly is… For the last time, let go of the damn door!”

Congestion Pricing for Tourists

Every year New York plays host to over 66 million tourists. How about charging a small fee to these visitors, who cause major congestion at token booths and station platforms as they pepper M.T.A. employees with annoying questions?

One dollar for directions, five for a personal demonstration of how to swipe a MetroCard.
An additional fee for bad or bulky fashion (noteworthy idea but probably wouldn’t pass the state legislature).

A Bar Car

Lastly, isn’t it long past time for every line in the New York City subway system to have a fully-stocked bar car to help commuters unwind? Impose a two-drink minimum and include free Karaoke.

John Ficarra rode the New York City subways every day for over 38 years on his way to work as the editor of MAD Magazine.