OPINION: Uncle Sam visits his shrink
Uncle Sam’s psychiatrist, Dr. Baruch Obamowitz, is called upon to interpret his patient’s recurring nightmare.
Sam: In the dream I am attacked by a mob of deplorable white men.
Doc: This is very perplexing.
Sam: It gets stranger. The men steal my multi-colored stovetop hat and make me wear a red baseball cap.
Doc: Perhaps this is a reaction to drinking too much tea.
Sam: I gave up tea four years ago.
Doc: Tell me more about these deplorables. Are they all wearing red baseball caps?
Sam: Yes…and they have pitchforks!
Doc: How have you been coping with this nightmare?
Sam: First I ignored it, thinking it would fade, like the dream I had about my body being occupied by 20-somethings who hadn’t bathed in several weeks. But the nightmares became more frequent. I called your office but was told you were out of town.
Doc: I had a consulting gig in Syria, but it didn’t work out.
Sam: I saw Dr. Don Juan, but he couldn’t understand why the dreams were disturbing.
Doc: Dr. Juan, the TV psychologist? I heard he lost his license for dating his patients.
Sam: He spent our entire session tweeting stuff.
Doc: Did you see anyone else?
Sam: I had an appointment with Dr. Green, but she was too inexperienced. I also had a session with Dr. Libby. I liked him until he said he never heard of dream interpretation.
Doc: Tell me about the rest of your life. Dating anyone?
Sam: I dated an Israeli guy, but he would say one thing and do another. Then I hooked up with a British dude who kept threatening to leave.
Doc: Dating men? That’s a change for you.
Sam: I’ve been experimenting with my sexuality since I last saw you.
Doc: Let’s get back to your nightmares.
Sam: What’s the round thing on your desk?
Doc: It’s an orange. I am having it with lunch.
Sam: It’s giving me a flashback to my nightmare. Everyone in the mob has orange hair!
Doc: This could be a breakthrough.
Sam: I see a cavalry of women in pantsuits coming to my rescue!
Doc: Now I understand the dream. You are conflicted about your gender.
Sam: You mean I might really want to be Aunt Samantha?
Doc: Unfortunately our time is up.
Sam: When can I see you next?
Doc: I am retiring soon, so you will have to continue with another therapist.
Sam: Can you make a referral?
Doc: I think the best choice would be Dr. Holly Hill.
Sam: I heard she has a grating bedside manner.
Doc: I think she’s likable enough.
Sam: Isn’t there anyone else?
Doc: I know several other qualified doctors, but none of them will accept your health insurance.
Sam: I guess Dr. Hill is my only choice.
Doc: I’m giving you her card, so you can call to make an appointment. But whatever you decide, NEVER contact her by email.
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