BROOKLYN EAGLE SATIRE: Brainstorming ideas for the DOT

November 27, 2018 By Brent Katz Brooklyn Daily Eagle

Share this:

“The city’s Department of Transportation (DOT) is backing a plan that would temporarily replace the famous Brooklyn Heights Promenade with a six-lane highway during the reconstruction of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway (BQE) between Atlantic Avenue and Sands Street.” — Brooklyn Daily Eagle

The DOT has been brainstorming new ways to serve the motorists, passengers and even middle-seat passengers of New York City. Inspired by their out-of-the-box, dramatic new proposal, we at the Eagle have decided to contribute a few ideas of our own:

Restore Rail Service to the High Line

This elevated park is just begging to be re-repurposed. We know that safety is the DOT’s first concern, so, while guests would still be welcome to visit the High Line — for its iconic narrowness and fascinating plants — we would also encourage them to listen carefully for trains.

A Temporary Highway through the Met on the Night of the Gala

There may be pushback to this idea — as always happens with ideas that are ahead of their time — but a new highway would alleviate traffic congestion in the area by 28 percent, and, most important, it would be temporary — just the night of the Gala.

The Radio City Music Hall Overpass

This would allow Rockettes to drive from the balcony to the stage with limited delays.

The Society for Ethical Culture Gas-and-Service Station

Have you ever been torn between attending a fascinating discussion on ethical philosophy and getting your oil changed? What if your best friend asked you to lie to protect her?

Harness Fossil Fuels from the Natural History Museum

The Upper West Side is filled with natural resources just waiting to be harnessed. This sensible measure would bring down prices at the pump and lessen our dependence on foreign oil from New Jersey.

The Bethesda Fountain Superhighway

This fount of memories of Angels in America would be adjusted to feature a superhighway, running through the fountain, the Central Park boathouse and up into the Great Lawn. The project would pay for itself: once properly dried, all wish-coins recovered from the Bethesda Fountain would be allocated towards construction costs. Surplus funds could go towards the Department’s Winter Formal.

The Brooklyn Botanical Garden Used Bus Demolition Site

Unfortunately, this project would require that the Cherry Blossom Festival be moved back to Japan.

Build Bridges between Little Kids’ Apartments

This was a personal fantasy of mine as a kid growing up in New York City. I thought that if I could have my own private bridge between my family’s apartment, and my best friend Jake’s family’s apartment, that we could have play dates whenever we wanted, and it would just be the coolest thing in the world. Now that I’ve got the ear of the DOT, I thought I would slip this into the proposal, and see what happens. (Pairs of friends could apply on a special website, say, for instance, nyc.gov/DOT-friend-bridge)

The Brooklyn Eagle will be hosting a public forum to discuss our proposal on a city bus with its brakes cut, doing donuts around the Cloisters. We hope you will join us and share your feedback!

Brent Katz is a writer and musician. His humor pieces and nonfiction have appeared in The New Yorker, The Paris Review, McSweeney’s, and other publications.