OPINION: The next great bathroom crusade
The debate over transgender bathroom access should have a trigger warning: Men beware. This controversy could expose the injustice of your gender-based lavatory privileges.
In many ways, we males have it tougher than females. We are expected to pay for women on dates, memorize “The Godfather” screenplay and act macho when confronted by mice, even though we want to jump on a table and yell, “gross!”
Being male is so stressful I sometimes wish I were female, even if it meant wearing heels and watching sappy romantic comedies. But when I am at BAM, Barclays Center or a busy restaurant, I see long lines for the women’s room and unequivocally embrace my maleness.
While dashing in and out of a public bathroom I guiltily think about my female counterparts crossing their legs and performing bladder-induced dance moves. I often wonder why feminists haven’t insisted on unisex bathrooms, requiring everyone to share the indignity and discomfort of having to hold it in for an inordinate amount of time.
Are they worried that men will eavesdrop on women’s secretive restroom meetings about relationships (perhaps these meetings explain the long lines)? Do they fear we will miss our mark while urinating, making a mess?
Either way, I am glad female activists are busy talking about issue like equal pay and abortion. So long as their attention is diverted from toilets and urinals, my natural male advantage is safe.
But the kerfuffle over public restrooms could create a slippery slope that jeopardizes my birthright. If we keep focusing on bathrooms, some litigious lawyer will surely get around to asking, why are women the only ones waiting on line?
And if transgenders get to choose their bathroom, it is inevitable that some she will temporarily declare herself a he, so as to avoid the women’s room line. Once word spread that this loophole could be exploited by women to cut their wait-times, males would soon be standing on long lines, while their female counterparts clogged up the works trying to make sense of the urinal.
My rant is more than an act of self-interest. According to something I saw on the Internet, bathroom inequality started during the Stone Age, with women lining up behind a hole dug by their cavemen husbands, who relieved themselves willy-nilly while hunting Woolly Mammoth. Upsetting the bathroom status quo would, thus, upend natural law.
I hope the transgender debate is quickly resolved so that restrooms are removed from the political agenda. But if our national lavatory discussion leads to a he said, she said argument over wait times, females should consider the unintended consequences of forcing the issue: a national epidemic of toilet seats being left up.
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